I used to be hungry for God- What happened?.

I used to be hungry for God- Christian struggles 101

Dear Lashey,

I am writing to you to remind you of your first love. Do you remember the first point of salvation? How you just wanted to love upon him? How you couldn’t keep quiet about the man you found at the well, who was described you well and gave you water so you will thirst no more? Do you remember how enthusiastic you were when it was time to go to the house of the Lord? Do you remember how it was so deep and unquenchable? No one could tell you otherwise. It was too real to be fake. No, you were not making things up in your head. It was not a hallucination. It was tangible, an encounter like Paul’s, blind Bartimeous’ or the woman with the issue of blood.  Oh, I remember the journey of salvation. I had met the most amazing man on earth.

Those days were the most real. The fire was raging the things of God would excite me like jollof rice or small chops. Every impartation service, I was there. I could pray in the spirit for long hours without checking the time. I stopped many things because of Him.

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My freedom from pornography was because I did not want to hurt my lover. I had spent so much time in your presence that these things no longer excite me. For music, it wasn’t just deleting music from my phone due to some convictions from an earlier sermon. I was just so thirsty that I wanted to fill it up with your sounds. I remember Ephesian 1:17 was always my prayer. ‘’ that I may know you…’’-there was a longing in my heart to know you. my faith in you was unwavering.

 But what happened…

Where is the first love? Where is that zeal?  Is the knowing completed now?

Is it see finish?

But no one can really see you finish because you are infinite.

It started when I started to stray away from your presence. Slowly 1hour turned into 30, then 30minutes into 5minutes then into Sunday traditions. My bible was only opened when the pastor calls out a scripture. At some point, waited till it is projected. The love was/is still there I try fixing things I close my eyes to pray but in seconds I find my mind wandering or dozing off. Then lockdown came and I became an online member. I slept, wine and dined with laziness and complacency.

Where is that person that wanted more?

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The problem…

I think started when I began to use logic to define spiritual things.

2020 was really a hard year birthing question that I needed my lover to answer but the silence was deafening. A sign, an assurance of your presence so that ‘I shall fear no evil.’ Really questioning if the shepherd is destroying or delivering as there is so much stillness. The presence of God seems so distant. I had read so much that almost became my reality. Different articles and discussion that began to pollute my mind.

My mind is still drawn away from my old habits  but it has become more of a routine than fellowship and from a place of love.

The church is now a polling booth so much asking and chatting. All I want is fellowship, intimacy with my lover those encounters, the vision, the audible voice.

I remember now.

Thank you Holy Spirit. I had to go back to inception.

How did we fall in love?

The very foundation of my faith was believing before seeing. I heard the good news, your love letter to me, your proposal, it felt soothing and I accepted this proposal without exactly knowing you. It was all just an idea. I started the journey of faith.

But all of a sudden, I expect that I would have a perfect picture. This here, I believe is the root cause of the crisis in our relationship. I forget that there are some concepts that just couldn’t be explained. I began to doubt the efficacy of Your Word. Instead of looking unto Jesus, I decided to look at the storm but like Peter, I cry out to save me from drowning and like the die-hard lover that you are you have reached out your hands which is not too short to save.

I had to subdue the flesh. Decided to go on a fast. I began longing for your presence even more than life itself. I am never letting me stray out of His presence. We(my body, soul and Spirit) die here!!!

Now I can say I was glad when they said let us go into the house of the lord.

I have weighed my life with and without you, checking the pros and the cons. And I have come to the conclusion that a life with you is a better option. This is even though, regardless of the fact that certainly is not certain but I choose faith because I have experienced you and I know you really exist and the journey could bring clarity. And like Job, I would say ‘though he slays me, I trust the lover of my soul.’

Your Beloved,

Toluwalase.