Letters to God: Dear God,
These past weeks have been filled with a rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes I am strengthened, other times I can’t explain how I feel. Every now and then, I just want to shut myself out of the world, I feel numb, without emotions. I silently wished you did not bring me to this world. You know, maybe not experiencing the world would have been better for both of us. Other times, I wish I were dead as it will be a sign of relief from the rush of emotions I feel on a daily.
Some experiences I see, read and face sometimes makes me wonder if you are really watching and consciously not doing anything.
It is often said that your judgment has not come upon the wicked because you are waiting for them to repent. But right now it doesn’t make sense as these government people deserve death. In the same vein, I am not that righteous so what right do I have. At the same time, I think there should be a measurement for sin because these people sins are very great.
That night, 20/10/2020, I wished you had activated the God of Elijah and sent fire to consume those armies. Or no, wait, like the Israelites bible story that the enemies started fighting each other. Unfortunately, we did not seem to get any grand performance that day and not the day after. Our superhero did not show up.
Everyone says your judgment on the wicked is soon yet it is way over 60 years in Nigeria and that grand judgment is yet to befall on these wicked people.
On the night of 20/10/2020 while on my bed my mind was filled with the different sight of the gory incident, I could almost swear that the relationship was over. Oh my Gosh, I couldn’t explain how I felt, talking to you wasn’t even possible, even with tuning in with the community of believers to pray. Words failed me, I wasn’t sure if you were listening because ‘if you were’ you’d have sprung into action.
In the same vein, I knew running away from you will only cause more damage to me than I was already. I was broken, friend, I didn’t feel you. I tried praying but I was saying them and not feeling them. My attention was fugitive. My mind is not strong. It is a prey to all sought of intellectual quackery. Yet in praying, it is You who have to pray in us.
I sought for the courage to talk to you and messaged some friends to help me reach you because it seemed like my voice was strange or distant. Thanks to friends as communicating with you was made easier because of them.
I still don’t understand so many things involved in this relationship but what I do know is that doing life alone without you will be very fatal. I just wished I knew more. Knowing you are a purposeful God, sometimes until we die, we don’t get to understand this ‘purpose’.
About hope, I am somewhat at a loss. Beyond the sweet tongues slides about all that I hope for, I want to feel it active now that I am in despair. Please let your light shine in all that is around me so my hope can come alive. Illuminate every darkness so my hope can come alive. There are a lot of questions and I don’t want the answers from a human you made.
Even when the fight seems lost
I’ll praise you
Even when it hurts like hell
I’ll praise you
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I’ll sing your praise